Thank You

Dear Advice Columnist,

Thanks for making me feel like a lousy bag of trash I fought so hard all my life NOT to be. Thanks for driving home the message that I fell short, that I just didn't measure up. To your requirements, your expectations, to others. Thanks for just stepping all over my self worth, that floor mat's a keeper. That's my dignity you carelessly stabbed multiple times with your fancy pen-knife and elitist attitude. Let me roll that up and put it away meekly, with the all the grace of one who was just asked to receive the key to the city. Would you like me to lick your boots as a nice thank-you-gesture? I know I'm intact, nothing that you do or did or will do can actually change that, but thanks for making me feel like it's changed all the same. I feel lousy. I feel like I am lousy. What do you expect people to think when they look at this scenario? Simple. They'll see the mark on my face where you just gave me a tight slap. They'll worship those other ones you approved of, and they'll shake their heads in pity at me. It's just wonderful. What a hauntingly beautiful sight. I don't know why I'm even wasting my time agonising over this. You waste my time, the same way you told me that I was a waste of your time. Take your wonderful legacy, your pretty ideals, your fantastic philosophies and get the hell out of here. Get lost.

I feel so stupid whenever I read advice columns. They have all the answers to life. Answers that I couldn't figure out, answers I probably never will have the key to unlock. The embarrasing thing is, I always looked down on them. I always thought they were nosy little know-alls who gave generic advice that would help no one.

So to the advice columnists out there. Whether you give crappy advice or not, you've earned my respect. I'm still angry and humiliated, because you figured out things I never did. To think that I believed I was more intelligent than most. This new found respect I'm giving to you has an expiration date. When my paycheck's value exceeds yours, I'm going back to the way things were in the beginning.